Saturday, October 31, 2009

Bueaty in Being a Mom !!!

after becoming a mom ..It’s not that I hated how I looked, really. It’s just that after a while, it was hard to be judged, and not start co-signing the judgments. Maybe my skin was getting a little dark...lot of hormonal changes.. My affinity for books and dolls little too nerdy.
some folks -- mostly adults -- stood at the ready to remind me of this..I shouldn’t play in the sun because my skin may spoil even more ... friends often clucked that am “getting fat.” I alternated between being barely able to cope with the daily responsibilities of motherhood and mind-numbing confusion.i must say...sometimes My days felt like a marathon disaster movie, starring me racing around after my child to prevent him from hurling himself from high places and/or gleefully electrocuting himself. My nights were a study in sleep deprivation, with kids waking up every two hours ...my passion to many things has to be substituted....but still..... Being a mom is both a pleasant and challenging life-time event...you have the power to recreate and bring new life to this world. You get the chance to witness a baby grown, from inside of you, and grow into a responsible, happy and successful adult. There is no other feeling similar to that of the maternal impulse. my day goes with books, crayons, or blocks..looking around for caterpillers turning to butterflies with kids and so on... ,everyday i prepare myselves for the adventure and experience of a lifetime! It is crazy how some believe that bearing a child is the end of their lives but actually, what they fail to see is that, it is a new beginning.. Your baby is an extention of yourself .. Motherhood is your time to discover new and fresh ways to raise a healthy, sound-minded soul…thats the beauty in me..in being a mom!!!.....its nice that am learning to embrace every moment and comment ...its great...thanks...
srujana..

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Teach your child how NOT to Lie

But just like the prequel, this article's title is also misleading. Most of you who read the first article understood that it was not about 'teaching your child to lie', but about the realization that it is WE (parents) who invariably do things in such a way that the child learns how to tell lies - he or she was not born like this.
In the same way, we cannot teach the child NOT to tell lie. Lie he or she will. Just like when a child learns how to ride a bike, the child is bound to fall. Falling off the bike is intrinsic to learning how to ride. In much the same way, telling lies is intrinsic to learning how to be and stay honest.We don't teach children how NOT to fall from the bike! But alas, in my observation, too many parents are more keen on teaching the child how NOT to lie - rather then teaching them how to tell truth.
So let's start with a premise, a presumption - that it is fallacious to teach children not to lie. Let's teach them to tell truth, be honest. And let's accept that much as they will try to do this, they may still slip, tell lies, and that this is part of the process of living. Not something to be guilty about - but something to use as awareness, of how we can ride the honesty bull.
I call it as a BULL as truth is not easy to tell. Truth is as savage as a lie: it requires courage to live with, to tell and hold on to. I consider telling truth as much of a challenge as telling a lie. Given this background, children would need training, support and most of all encouragement to tell truth. When they tell a lie, they don't need people around to brand them as liars. They don't need lecturers whom make their entire thinking look petty. They don't need analytical character assassins or moral police.When a child falls of the bike, the child needs a compassionate support. Sensitive adults who can help them discover paths which will make more sense to them - in the long run.
So how do we facilitate this journey; how do we become the coach rather than the referee. How do we make the honest in a child more aware, and the liar more discriminative.We present five guidelines, using the acronym T-R-U-T-H
TRUSTEven if the child tells the most blatant lie - simply accept it. No discussion or debates, no counter arguments, no revelations, no pinning down. Such an implicit faith - messages to the child that finally he or she is more important that even the statements he or she makes. That neither the ends nor the means are important, rather how "he is" - is most important. This kind of unconditional trust - leaves the child with an ability to discriminate - himself - of what is right and wrong. It leaves the child with all the roles - of the accused, of the defending and accusing lawyer and of the judge. Can't think of a better way to train a more balanced conscience. But most importantly it makes the child feel valued, special and "human". My child told me "Aunty said its okay if you do not do any homework today, since you have to go for your friend's b'day party". I said in a simple plain tone, "Its okay to not to do home work some days. You can tell aunty that I was tired after the party. There was no discussion about her lie about her Aunty.
RIGHTEOUSA cartoon I had seen shows a person in the court taking the oath, "I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth - from my perspective".A child is really trying his best. He or she is looking at the situation in one way - and in that way of looking, what the child says - "feels" like the truth. Just like when we look from earth (point of view) and exclaim that sun rises in the east - while in reality, we all know, sun does not rise anywhere - it stays in its place - it is we (earth) who go round the sun. So approach with an assumption that the child is telling the truth, he is righteous (from his perspective).And if you happen to have another perspective - help the child discover the other perspective (do not push it down the child's throat). Start with something like "I understand what you are saying. Can we also look at this situation in another way"? (realise we say 'another way' and not the 'right' way).
UNDERSTANDGiven the above two, there must be some intention that the child is fulfilling by saying and doing whatever is he is saying and doing. The larger goal is to understand that intention.My son came and said, "Put a band aid - I'm hurt on my hand". My wife responded, "Oh you like band aids". He said, "Yes", with a smile now. Once the child realises that the intention is understood, he feels that he is understood - then where is the need of truth or lies. Isn't that our biggest need in life - to be understood - rather to tell lies or tell truths?The other advantage of going for understanding is then you can open up doors of exploring "other ways" of the child expressing or fulfilling his intentions, leaving the "cooked up way" aside to wither away on its own.
TRYINGIf your child came to you and said that he tried to ride the bike but couldn't - what would your response be? Most probably we'll all encourage with a - "try again tomorrow". Can we not give the child another chance? Again assuming that the child tried his best to tell the truth - but could not - so lets try again the next time. A child came to me and said, "Uncle, my mummy said that I can go home whenever I want - my driver is waiting - so I am going". I said "Okay and what will you tell me tomorrow? He hesitated. I said, "Tomorrow you can tell me the same thing or tell me anything else". He thought for a minute and said, "Actually uncle, I Just want to....." It does take guts to tell the truth. Many truths are unpleasant while the lies are comforting. In view of such a biased conflict, a child's attempt to not tell the truth is just a matter of courage, not of habit. To give courage - please en-courage.
HYPOTHETICALLet truth be a hypothesis. In our experience - many a times, children are not able to project the consequences of telling the truth. Often they imagine the worst (read the first article to understand how we as parents instill this line of thinking). In most cases their own image of self, of how they should be - interferes with a larger view of the consequences that await them if they follow the path of truth. (E.g. "I do not want to look like a fool, so let me say a lie and get away from here")So a good strategy is to help them create a hypothetical path of truth. A child went to her mother and said, "I am not feeling well, I do not feel like going to the school." The Mother responded, "Okay, what if you were to go to school, what will happen? She mumbled something to do with her not able to study. Mother continued, "What if you were able to study?" The child said something about her not enjoying her day? Mother continued, "What if you were able to enjoy" She became angry and stamping her feet said, "I cannot enjoy because I haven't done my homework."So through hypothetical thinking or even role plays - we can help children clarify their own thinking and become more honest in thinking and expression.
Let us end this - with a different note - learning from a story of Mulla Nassirudin:Mulla once had a friend come over, requesting to lend him some money, which Mulla promptly did. However, after a month, when Mulla accosted his friend for the money, he blatantly refused, stating, "I never took any money from you, you are dreaming". Mulla obviously furious at this back accusation, dragged his friend to the Vazir's court. In the court too the friend maintained that Mulla was lying and challenged Mulla for a proof, which obviously Mulla had none. Finally Mulla looked at the Vazir and said, "Sire, I guess he is saying the truth. If he isn't, assuming that this is the truth has more peace for me than me thinking that I have been wronged." Saying this Mulla left the court with a smile!

Teach your child how to Lie(a nice article)

No, no there is no typo mistake in the title above - I do mean to talk about teaching a child TO TELL LIEs.
Obviously, before we get on with the "how" to train a child to tell lies, lets first check out why one would like to teach them lying.The benefits of lying are many, as I have learned from my rich experience. Even if I were to discard my experiences as only mine, since I see so many people around me telling lies, I am quite sure lying must have many benefits. Below are some benefits that are come to my mind, I am sure you can add more to the list based on your experience.
First is Convenience. This alone is big enough for us to encourage to take up this training with earnest. As convenience seems to be so important to us. Lying saves time, saves money, saves unnecessary altercations, saves emotions, and most of all , saves face. Lying makes our task of day to day living easier. How else can I avoid an undesirable neighbour, how else can I make the child quickly eat, how else canI get an extra discount and so on. Convenience is no more a want - its a need!
Second is Ambition. Since 'almost' everybody tells me that this world is competitive and one needs to be ambitious to make it to the top - lying is a definite weapon in the arsenal. Whether it is boss, teacher, Client, etc., I can manipulate all of them using all kinds of false statements and make the powers look at me in a favourable way. History is full of millions of examples of how flattery delivered personal growth. As I get more ambitious, as people around me want me to be achieving more and more, and the bar is being raised everyday (2008 recession is a great example), lying is a power weapon.
Third is Desired Outcome. A bunch of lies will definitely help me make outcomes more successful for me. If I know how to lie, I can manipulate, I can change things quickly and I can get what I want. After all,in the end , lying can and often does justify the means.
Fourth and perhaps the least thought or talked about is Conscience Management. See I have a conscience, which keeps telling me to not do certain things. But I need to lie to my own conscience or pretend that it does not know better - so that I can end up doing what I was tempted about, rather then listening to the conscience. So you realise that lying is not just about others - in most cases we have learnt the important art of fooling ourselves.
Now that we know why we should train our child in this very important life skill, lets figure out how we train our child to tell lies. This is important not only from strategies point of view, rather also to understand lying itself.
Strategy 1 - Tell them "I trust you" and then don't trust them. How many of us have secretly peeped into the child's room, notebook, computer screen, et al. If you are doing any of these - you are definitely teaching the child that one does not have to mean what one says. Saying is to get access, and once I have access I can exploit. If you continuously do the above, the child will soon understand how to manipulate communication and relationships.
Strategy 2 - Nag him or herIts easy, it gives you a superior feeling - when you constantly find wrong in them - how you stand, how you talk, how you eat, how you write and so on. The more I nag, the more the child will get fed up and soon start lying to get out of "spots". After all, who wants to be nagged?
Strategy 3 - Demonstrate itQuite obviously this is the most common strategy used by parents to teach children lying. As parents, lets us tell lies (in front of the child) to neighbours, to friends, to domestic help, to office colleagues, to the child's friends - the more I demonstrate, the more the child will learn.
Strategy 4 - Put Down in PublicSince nobody likes to be put down,the more you put down, more chances, more opportunities for him to learn lying. The child, to escape (or save face) will soon learn to lie.
Strategy 5 - Image is importantLets Communicate in many different ways to the child - that what he/she really is - is not important - but what is expected of her - an ideal image - is more important. For this constantly compare the child to others. Also keep telling the child what you want him to be (which he is not). The child learns how to be phony, learns to run after that image and soon picks up lying to self and to others to be able to project that image.
Strategy 6 - Punish the child, show who is the BOSS, in control.Since the child by his nature does not enjoy punishment or control, the child will soon try to avoid these punishments and would easily discover that lying can be so helpful. (Remember he also uses his creativity in such situations - thus adding to overall development :-)
Strategy 7 - When the child lies - react strongly.Whenever the child tells a lie, let the child know that he is lying and highlight and reinforce this talent by scolding, punishing or calling the child dishonest or a liar.Even if the child tries to defend himself - tell the child that you're an expert in detecting lies (lie catcher) and hence the child cannot escape your sharp eyes. This often challenges the child to try to lie better next time - so that he is not caught and hence he wins over you. This is a good way to hone lying skills.
Strategy 8 - Emotional gamesWhenever the child tells a lie, become strongly emotional. Tell the child she has broken your heart, faith, trust etc. The child, like in previous strategy, would then try to ensure that next time her lie is so good that you are not able to feel bad. See this way she also cares for you and for herself.
Strategy 9 - In case of conscience conflict - mummy /papa winsWhenever the child has a conscience conflict - guess it and always give a big lecture on what is right and wrong and how you know better. This way the child realises that conscience is not something to listen to, rather say and do what one thinks to be right. This process of taking away child's right to judge his internal conflicts will make him more intellectual rather than instinctive. This would be beneficial in this world where intellect is prized more than ground wisdom.
Strategy 10 - Continue being a HypocriteMost of us are hypocrites - I am. We say to the child - share, yet we do not share our own riches. We say to the child be gentle and kind, yet we are harsh to our spouses. We say don't be greedy and yet we want (albeit secretly) our children to be always first, to become most successful. We want the child not to lie and we continue lying. This kind of hypocritical behaviour creates the right kind of environment for the child to master lying. The other day I shouted to my son, "Don't shout" ;-)
I hope the above list will give you many opportunities to teach and train your child how to lie. Pl add your own strategies as comments below.
And just in case you do not want your child to lie, remember children do not lie. They are just trying their best at any point of time. It is we who are making them tell lies. Remove this ME (parent or teacher) and there is no lying. This is because if there is nobody to lie to - where will be the need to lie? If there is no adult in front, if there is no image in front - there is no need to lie. Try it.

Green Hour

well green hour is nothing but an hour of being with nature....we have been on for a nature walk and my 3yr old son was going around watching caterpillers eating the leaves and wondering how they turn to butterflies,enjoyed birds chirping, he pickedup some leaves and b4 he plucked the leaf he informed the plant and said thanks with a touch ...he was giggling saying that when he tickles the leaves ,baby leaves are laughing....he tickled all the plants and had fun...later he drew outlines of differents leaves....learnt the parts of plant.whenever i find his energy needs a direction..the best thing i find to settle them is taking them close to nature....they observe and obsorb the silence.... not just that ,he learnt basic concepts of science, maths ... the concepts big/little, tall/short, long/short, high/low, wide/narrow, thick/thin, deep/shallow, on, next to, in, outside, inside, down, and up. colours ..shades of it...he started asking should i color light green,dark or other...count,sort,patterns,size...Know whole objects are made up of parts (fractions)....it was just fun...and for now aftr his aftrnoon nap....we would go on to make a map of our layout to start with parks...and in the late evening ...we would touch upon measurements ,science experiments,reading and lots of hands on activities...it adds with the childs quest to know ....am just waiting!...feel free to add on sm ideas...thanku,
srujana...

Monday, October 19, 2009

Ankur Rishikul Vidyalaya

Good news !!!!!!
Ankur Rishikul Vidyalaya starts third center in Hyderabad at Srinagar Colony. Please visit ankurrishikul.com for more details.

Friday, October 2, 2009

Inspiring words

yesterday we played reading cards differently.....i would show colours like brown and ask him to find the color around him...shapes when i say cone he would say ice-cream...then professionals...when i show doctor he would say his doctors name,driver and teacher n police he said police station...he is jst associating information he already has....its fun...and then cards with action like turn around,jump up,etc...dhruv is just loving it and so do we!!!!

------

we role play alot....enact like mom dad teacher,doctor.....dhruv jst knows why he has to visit doctor and knows the medicines he has to take incase..he would ask for it and remind me with the names and the reason he is taking...

------

we were enacting sm expressions (navarasas) my elder son was upset n said anger is bad it mks him bad in front of all when he expressing it...coz some bad words come out like stupid etc....answer was in his question...i jst reminded him that feeling happy,sad,angry are natural but the way u express is wht matters lik we dont laugh loud when a baby is sleeping..so anger also can be expressed healthy way..nd to learn to handle urself...ways to calm down...count numbers..go for a walk...say out whts mking u angry...finally meditate is the best...!!!! i left the room as he was deeply thinking........

its imp for parents and teachers to understand and handle with ease when children express anger...we never ask why are u laughing ?when sm1 laughs...but we ask why are u angry?why are u crying?stop it......instead of questioning thr expression...be thr...listen...go to the root cause and solve it.....they just need our presence...

-- SrujanaMa, Bangalore

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Imaginative play

Play and related activities are the sole properties of young children and they are mandatory part of the childhood as well. Play and related activities help our children by giving a wonderful opportunity to play with the surrounding world. While the external world is an important tool in developing our children's personality parameters, the emotional world inside him or her can play a critical role in creating an emotionally stable personality.

With imaginative play, we can help our children develop a number of important positive characters like manipulative skills, social skills, emotional skills, sharing skills, self-confidence and feeling of security and language and communication skills. Imaginative or pretend play can stimulate basic sensory perception, create wonderful opportunities for thoughtful exploration and detailed creative thinking. It also assists our children enhance special skills for maximum intellectual and emotional development. Optimum brain development is possible when we allow our children to play on their own and with their own objects and tools.

Playtime is fun time! It is thrilling as well! Children create their own world by playing with their friends. Imaginative play is an excellent form of activity that can place our child on a very high pedestal of physical and mental development. I wish all a great long weekend ahead.